I didn’t appreciate the beauty of my body as a maiden or a mother..

I didn’t appreciate the beauty of my body as a maiden (in this context, when I say maiden I mean after reaching physical maturity but pre-childbearing years).

It’s almost tragic that maidens have such beautiful bodies and they are the ones that seem to currently appreciate their bodies the least. 

I didn’t value the pleasure my body was capable of. I didn’t explore its depths as a young woman… I missed out on so much potential to feel good, to connect with god through my body, to activate my inner power. 

I was afraid of my body. I didn't have a sense of ownership over it. It was only through others that I felt pleasure. I craved being with others because I craved the pleasure I felt in my body when I was having sex. 

I didn't have a concept of being able to remember the inherent pleasure in my own body on my own, outside of that experience of sex. 

Also, I didn’t appreciate my fullness, my juiciness, when I was pregnant and mothering. 

I didn’t touch my own curves, squeezing my own full thighs and breasts to elicit and build the sensuality that was me at my greatest physical capacity, my highest creative power. 

It's almost a tragedy that so many women in this fullness, this juiciness, this creative embodiment, are disgusted by their own bodies. 

We don't understand the power we can claim from within our own bodies. 

The resource that exists within, that we can tap into to help us navigate all the struggles of motherhood from a place of ease and embodiment. 

I know there’s a physical and sensual renaissance that transpires in mid life for women… after children and before perimenopause… a space where life force is activated, shame has been de-conditioned, our bodies are our own again, and liberation is felt in our capacity to have navigated all that life.

I realize now, as I’m personally diving straight from the fullness of my mothering years into perimenopause… into the mood swings, the hot flashes, the night sweats, the insomnia… no break in-between for me.. 

And… my body is also, in my renaissance years, craving more and more depth of pleasure, more expansion, more connection to the goddess / god through my womb, my yoni, my breasts.. through intimacy with my partner… 

Holding both/and… both my sexual/pleasure/embodiment/empowerment renaissance AND my spiral into perimenopause… 

I don’t honestly have regrets, I know it all unfolded perfectly, but if I could go back to the beauty of my maidenhood and the fullness of the depths of my mothering… I would connect with the resources inside my body more.

I would turn myself on… I would activate my pleasure … I would expand through my body more and more and more until I found god… and from that place I know I could have avoided so much struggle, so much contraction, so much uncertainty, so much tension, so much anxiety…

There's so much power and clarity that comes from fully connecting with and realizing the extent to the medicine we carry within our own physical bodies.

Did I waste all those years of my own potential by not allowing myself to go there? 

Did I give too much weight to the cultural stigma, the false programs that I also carried in my body, that pushed me away from my own pleasure… instead of giving that weight and power over to the divine aspects of myself that could expand and flow and bring my full ALIVENESS??

This has been my sometimes-contemplation… 

But/And… :)

Here I am. Perfectly on time :) 

Holding space for my own pleasure and beauty and fullness from a place of age/wisdom and perspective that makes it all make sense… that makes it all the more magical.

I’m claiming all parts of myself now. In a way I never have before.

And I hope you can too, in your own ways. No matter where you are in your life path.