Here’s the truth:

I spent most of my life being closed off in order to be safe.

I’ve spent the last 11 years opening in order to be free.

I had a moment recently where, in the midst of consciously uncoupling from my husband of 14.5 years (hard launch: we are uncoupling, which I may go into more detail about in an upcoming email), he suggested that I wasn’t being honest with him when I shared my views of him in our relationship… when I said I loved him. When I told him he was my king. When I said he is the most self-aware man I’ve ever met.

When I tuned in and asked myself “Is that true? Have I been speaking words and emotions that aren’t actually authentic to what I’ve been experiencing?”…

My knowing spoke a solid “No.”

In my body I felt the truth of those statements, still.

But as I continued to explore and contemplate the theme of “truth in my expression,” I realized I’ve been inauthentically expressed in other ways.

Particularly in my business.

I’ve been sharing from that old guarded place … that shallow level of experience … the mental contemplation of what I *think* people want to hear in order to like what I have to “say” … and like ME enough… to work with me.

How can I trust my authentic expression SO much in my marriage… even as it leads to the conscious dissolution of our partnership…

and keep myself so hidden in my business, following other people’s scripts and ideas… and even using my own adaptations of other people’s structures of their posts or emails or business…

and expect anything to unfold in true alignment?

I can’t push my way into business success and sustainable financial security as a single mother, through trying to think my way into it through other people’s recommendations…

and then have to troubleshoot my lack of success through even other people’s “fix-your-business” frameworks!

So I’ve decided… I’m over it.

I’m here to be authentically expressed in my closest relationships, in my business relationships, and in all areas of life.

I lost myself, y’all.

I remember this period after my daughter was born when I was sharing so authentically about my struggles with postpartum anxiety and depression, and I had dozens of women reaching out to me - expressing gratitude because my posts made them feel not so alone.

My authentic sharing helped them realize what they were actually feeling so they could move beyond the unconscious overwhelm of their experience.

But there was one sticky part, for me, and that is the part of myself that got stuck in the STORY of my challenging experience.

Stuck in sharing the challenge, the daily ups and downs… 

And I spiraled into my own version of unconsciousness around my experience of postpartum anxiety and depression…. to the point of making it bigger and bigger and bigger, and losing connection to my own inner anchor.

And then I didn’t know how to get out of that big story.

And I realize now I have been resistant to sharing authentically because I’ve been resistant to making a story out of anything I’ve been experiencing.

Resistant to making a story about the struggles, because I was scared of getting lost in them or of inadvertently encouraging other people to get lost in their versions of their stories.

But what I know to be more true than that is that as I dismissed the STORIES of my struggles, my joys, my life…. I was dismissing the authentic public expression of my struggles, my joys, my LIFE.

And what feels even more true for me is that the reality.. my story.. is yes, I am struggling now… 

But I am also daily knowing and feeling more gratitude and abundance and joy and bliss and TRUST than I have in a long time.

And I can share the story of where I’m at now, without taking it on as an identity.

Without getting lost inside of that story.

Another reason I wasn’t sharing authentically in my business was because I was trying to create safety. Just like I did for my whole life prior to my opening 11 years ago.

If I did what someone else told me to do for business success, and shared trending reels or one of the proven “100 hooks that sell” or adapted someone else’s script to my own words… I wasn’t too vulnerable.

I could the also share the story that “I’m following all the guidance and steps perfectly, and I’m still not successful (/financially stable)… maybe I’m just not meant to do this as my work. Maybe I’m supposed to release this and just focus on being a mom. Even if that doesn’t feel completely aligned, this business obviously isn’t either, so now I’m back to where I started. And should I just be a little bit miserable and completely dependent on someone else for my security? Because I can’t make my business work like this.”

THAT whole story.

I’m at a point now where my whole life is incredibly authentic and I can’t force myself to be uncomfortable if it’s not aligned. Not even in my marriage.

But I was doing that every day in my business and not even realizing it!

.

Telling the story of my life is what I’ve always done.

Those of you who have been with me for a long time probably remember my storytelling.

I can’t believe how long I’ve left that part of me behind for the sake of “guaranteed business success” and “safety” through distancing my vulnerable true self out of my business.

I know that stories are temporary.

Yes, as we write them they become more timeless and solid and permanent… but in REAL LIFE… outside of the concrete-ness of the journal page or the email or the social media post…

Stories are temporary waves of experience that I allow to wash over me.

And underneath those waves, I stay anchored to what is ultimately my truth… which is… love, trust, strength, and perspective.

Yes, I’m struggling …

I’m in the middle of separating from my husband and trying to figure out how to implement enough structure to support myself financially for the first time in 11 years.

I’m in the middle of learning how to implement that structure to hold myself, while still maintaining my softness.

I’m in the middle of feeling the intense pressure of being the ONE to take care of myself completely, reclaiming that sovereignty, and bringing my full capacity to share financial responsibility for my kids equally with my ex for the first time ever, since having my kids.

I’m in the midst of waves of fear and panic that I won’t be able to figure it out.That I won’t be able to afford groceries, that I won’t be able to afford rent every month if I sign a lease now.

That I’ll be viewed as negligent for following my heart’s purpose and facilitating plant medicine journeys with my friends, possibly drinking ayahuasca 10 weeks per year as my vocation,…

While being a single mom, trying to maintain structure, and figuring out the logistics of everyday life outside of ceremony, too (which, if you've ever felt the lack of brain power post-ceremony (mostly because this medicine brings us so deeply INTO THE BODY), you know that this is not an easy task, lol). 

And….

I’m also fine. :) I’m also GREAT, actually…

I’m feeling those fears and waves of panic but I’m not stuck in them. 

They’re only a fraction of my story.

I’m grounded and loving and heart-centered and I keep bringing myself back to trust, by CHOICE.

I keep reminding myself to choose trust.

I keep dropping myself further and further into my body, into my sense of groundedness and into the reality of my safety in this moment. 

And in this moment. And in this moment.

So, in the choice to continue being authentically expressed…

I’m energetically starting all over, again.

This is my reset.

From now on you won’t see from me  “The 3 Reasons You Feel Numbess During Sx” or reels that follow trends, or trending audio, or emails that adapt someone else’s script into my own words, or ChatGPT ANYTHING.

I’m carving out this little corner of the internet for ME again.

For US, to be authentic TOGETHER.

As another container within which I can share from my heart, I can tell the story of my life, and I can trust that the point of it all is “just” authentic relating and expressing.

Not to get clients, not to get sympathy, not to get lost in the story…

But to shine my light. :)

To be myself.

So if you’ve stuck around for my waves of varying levels of authenticity here, thank you.

Hi. It’s me. For real this time, again. :)

I’ll be sharing my life from my heart here.

And whatever comes of it, outside of my own satisfaction that I am living in alignment with my Truth, I know will be perfect, no matter what.

I love you. And thank you for witnessing me.