Love lessons learned in uncoupling land…

I’m learning how to not lose myself in love just like I’m learning how to not lose myself in the motherhood and business and… 

Love is so cosmic, so it makes sense, my desire to lose myself in it.

But I’ve realized that for me, I need to keep some portion of myself connected to my truth, which contains more than love. Truth contains everything.

When I was little I received love from my family but it wasn’t the kind my soul craved.

It’s no one’s fault, but that created this vacuum of feeling like I NEEDED love — and MORE love and MORE love — so badly…

I got into relationships in early adulthood with emotionally or logistically unavailable guys/men… and then I was perpetually sad when they couldn’t give me what I wanted or needed.

From this place of woundedness and seeking, I kept giving these men space to continue to “try to” love me. And kept closing myself off more and more, somehow losing myself in the love while keeping the men at arms length.

And I also sought sxual connection in the place of love … from unavailable men… but would become obsessed with imagining our lives together .. and then devastated when they didn’t want me for more than sx.

And, now I’m walking this new path as a mature woman, as I explore how to love myself and my kids and my business and my clients.. and not lose myself in any of it.

What I realize about love is that, just like everything, there is shadow and light, distortion and truth.

True love wants me to remember who I am at the core. True love doesn’t want me to lose myself. True love loves me back more than I even know yet how to love. And true love wants me to show up 100% to her (yes I am ascribing a gender to true love, and to me, she is a she :)) 100%.

As I practice and “diet” true love, she is teaching me how to love in a way no one else has been able to. 

Or maybe helping me remember how to love in the way that’s always been there underneath it all.

I still catch myself imagining my future, with my ex, with my kids, with my fantom future partner... And I still catch myself losing myself in the gooey bliss of this seeking of external unconditional love.

And I am learning in real time from Love, how to pause. Wait. Hold myself. Stay anchored in my truth. Not lose myself. Stay present in reality while also staying present in the potential realities we can co-create together.

How to take love moment by moment, day by day, instead of projecting out a whole life into the future. 

How can I just BE true love, NOW? 

I am bringing all of myself and finding my strength in myself, and meeting Love and life from that place.

And the amount of life force that I need in order to do that is quite overwhelming at times.

Maintaining my self in the midst of this … first the sxual fast in my marriage, now in the midst of conscious uncoupling and establishing my business as something that's truly stable and secure… 

It’s just so different than how I’ve approached any other period of life, or any other period of Love.

And I see very clearly how I need to build myself, my life force, up .. in order to be able to keep meeting life and love in this way.

And how to clear myself of anything that’s not mine to carry forward.

Love is showing me the way in real time.

It’s like I’ve been praying for someone, a teacher, a guide, someone who has been through what I’ve been through and gotten to where I want to go …

And here Love is…

She has appeared as an internal teacher, and she’s not actually assuming the role that I’ve been praying for.

But she’s helping me find that person I’ve been praying for — inside myself.

There’s a little bit of mourning in this process. There’s that wounded inner child part of me who wishes I could project all of this externally, and be taken care of completely.

Who wishes I didn’t have to find it, the strength, the love, the abundance, inside of myself.

Who wishes for the exact answers to be spoon fed to me, step by step, hand in hand.

Who wishes I could just surrender completely into the seductive, cosmic, intoxicating, gooey, perfection of distorted love, and never have to come out.

Never have to figure anything out.

Never have to claim a life of my own, I guess, in some ways.

But love is love, and all that entails.

True love doesn’t want surrender, doesn’t want loss of sovereignty.

True love wants me in my power.

Love wants the world that will be created through all of us being in our power.

And maybe this is just the lineage I am in.

Or maybe it’s my projection.

But …

It could also just be … Love.

I never would have imagined I’d be in this space…

Of learning how to hold my own power in this way…

Of learning to balance surrender with sovereignty while in the midst of so much life, life-ing.

And… I love it. :) 

What is this life?!

I don’t understand it, but I love how it feels to release the need to do so and just flow.

To many more layers of this kind of beautiful love-filled self-actualization 🥂

If you're looking for someone to walk with you as you navigate all of YOUR layers… :) 

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