A Shift In Consciousness

I had an experience recently that completely shifted my experience in life.

I recorded a podcast episode and shared it with my family (the link is in the last blog post, and I will add it here, too).

A couple of my family members reached out and gave me some pushback for sharing what I did in that episode.

I hurt their feelings or they were sticking up for other family members whose feelings were hurt..

My initial response was to honor their experience, feel sad that I had hurt their feelings, and then defend myself… I didn’t feel that I had shared anyone’s experience in that podcast beside my own.

I had talked about experiences in my childhood that affect me to this day.

I thought, “These are my stories.. the experiences that make me who I am today.” And I wish I could change some of them, that’s for sure… I wish in some ways that my life had been easier…

And I also trust that everything is perfect, always, and I needed those experiences in order to become the human I am today.

My family apparently did not know that the foundation of my shares of my experience, always, is that I trust that it is all perfect and I don’t blame any individuals for my life path unfolding as it has.

After my initial response to my family, I spent a large portion of the next day out laying prostrate on the land, in the sun.

I had one of those experiences that I have sometimes, where thoughts and realizations just flooded my awareness and I felt like I was having huge revelations about everything.

Puzzle pieces that I had never been able to connect before, came together seamlessly, all at once.

What I came to land on, because of a literal physical feeling of waking up from a dream… was the realization that I had been living in a dream world of my own creation.

This was a dream world of living in the past, constantly evaluating my childhood, my prior life experiences… to try to make them make sense and to metabolize them in some way.

I absolutely think this was necessary for me to experience that past-dream-world for a time… and that it was also time for me to give myself some containment.

I live in Sedona currently, and I am surrounded by folks who are constantly processing, constantly learning and growing and trying to evaluate their past in this same way.

There is a story-ization of everything… curating a (true) narrative from all of our lived experiences.. to explain why we are the way we are or why we do the work we do in order to heal.

This community and I were sort of exponentially multiplying this process for each other… lulling ourselves into the dream of non-presence.

And like I said, I believe this is a necessary part of being human. All of us have periods of time where we dwell on the past and explore how it has affected us.

But like one of my family members said after listening to the podcast, I only ever shared or talked about the “bad” or challenging aspects of my life and how they’ve affected me, for better and for worse.

There is a big focus on all of the most challenging parts of my lived experience so far… and that kind of choked out the ability to be in the present or even to focus on all the beautiful parts of my life that I have been so blessed to be able to have experienced.

Like the opposite of rose-colored glasses, even though I still considered myself quite happy and optimistic about life.

As I laid there in the grass, receiving all of these revelations about how the last handful of years have been spent dissecting the past, looking for clues… I had the very real feeling that I was waking up from a dream. Just like when I wake up in the morning, and the grogginess wares off and I sort of “land” slowly in my body for the day.

It’s hard to describe the sensation exactly.. But it was a very real experience of waking up.. while being awake. Profound. And this is when the awareness came that how I was living previously was like living in a dream.

As I woke up, I felt myself sink into my body in a way that I haven’t experienced.. maybe ever. My mind turned off in some beautiful way that allowed me to sink into presence.

I dropped out of the story and out of the processing.

I’m not saying, again, that I was creating false stories or that the process of examining my past to metabolize my life circumstances and try to make them make sense was wrong…

And I’m not saying that I’m still not in another version of a dream that will probably become clear to me and I will wake up from over time either :)

Just that I’ve shifted.. and opened myself up to presence in a way that feels really new to me.

I had this realization that the folks outside of the processing-our-past dream might be necessary as anchors for the folks still in the processing-our-past dream…

And the folks in the processing-our-past dream are necessary because they/we are doing the work for all of us as a collective… exploring where we’ve been, what we want to leave behind, how we want to grow as a collective, and creating the foundation for this bright future we are all headed toward.

….

Another beautiful piece of this recent shift happened a couple of weeks after that podcast episode experience.

Just the other night, I had a somatic embodiment session with a sister of mine from the same training program I went through, who I am exchanging sessions with.

She guided me into a beautiful embodiment/visualization where I became aware of my womb in a way I never have before.

I’ve actually done quite a few journeys into my own womb, but this time I experienced this part of me as a primordially ancient space of wisdom, the warehouse of the lineage of humanity from all of time.

There was even an ancient raisin-skinned old woman there with long white hair and a cane… an aspect of my Self who I had met before briefly in a different sort of visualization experience, but who apparently lives in my womb sometimes too.

The main message that I experienced from this visualization was that it is time for me to honor this aspect of myself.. this part of me that is connected to ancient wisdom and that lies within, always.

…To use ritual to honor and connect with this part of what it is to be a womb-carrier, for the betterment of me and all those I cross paths with.

My mental chatter tried to resist this imagery as it was happening…

Why would I think I had such a special piece of humanity inside of me?

Why would I think I have access to ancient wisdom? I’m not special.

The old woman in my womb wagged her finger and reminded me that my mental realm is not my truth… these thoughts are more false programs to integrate and release and give boundaries and containment to.

She helped me to see that my higher self has the perspective to know that my ancient womb wisdom is my actual truth.

And the truth is, my thoughts were correct in one sense… it’s not special at all.

We all have access to this same ancient source of wisdom inside of ourselves.

The specialness is just the different journeys we all take to get there, to access that wisdom, to honor that piece of ourselves, and to trust what comes from that space.

After this beautiful somatic embodiment experience ended, I went out to join my husband and we flowed into a love-making session that was so present and joyful and light… we were laughing and smiling and having fun the whole time.

Afterwards, we were talking and I had this awareness that there is a big part of me that has been afraid of being seen, being heard, being vulnerable in my connection to my self and my power.

There’s a big part of me that feels terrified of sharing myself intimately, which has caused me to pull away from my relationships, my partner, my social media and email list friends… to try to keep myself safe by keeping myself distant.

I had this huge realization that my shares here in this space have become so bland and boring and out of touch with my true essence.

It’s affected everything!

So… in my effort to tune back into my truth and back into my honest vulnerability… I’m changing.

I’m going back to my roots of sharing real life experiences, how they affected me, what is most present for me personally, and what I’ve learned from living in this new-to-me way.

And I thank you all for witnessing me and holding me in all of my various iterations of self, as I grow and discover more and more of who I am and how I want to operate and exist in the world.

I don’t want to hold anyone at arm’s length anymore.

I’m ready to dive into what’s important, in my perspective… which is my humanity, my presence, and my ability to connect deeply with people FROM these frequencies.

I’m also super curious to learn more about you! If you care to share :)

Feel free to let me know how this lands, and what has been present in your lived experience lately.

You can also hop over to my IG to comment more publicly on my recent posts, too, where I’ve been dropping in more deeply with personal shares again, if you want more of a community conversation.

Collectively, I know we are all walking each other Home, by sharing our experiences with each other. :)

Thanks for joining me! Talk to you soon.

In Gratitude & Service,

Ashley