Postpartum Sex and Intimacy
This seems like a topic that keeps coming up lately. Lots of curiosity and perhaps some trepidation about how having a baby changes how partners relate to each other.
I’ve been feeling this in my own reality too, as I’m 6 weeks postpartum and my husband and I have had sex about half of one time. Yes, half of a time. We started but took a break instead of “completing” (though, I have to say that even if we didn’t physically “complete,” it felt like a complete experience, to me at least. Sex doesn’t always have to be about the performance aspects of completion.. but I digress..).
After this birth I found myself more interested in intimacy during those first couple of weeks, but then my whole family came down with a bug and my second child stopped sleeping through the night so .. the age old story of lack of sleep and just general busy-ness with three kids has affected our intimacy as well.
My 5 second takeaway of how having a baby affects relating would be this: issues we see in our external reality and in our relationship, are reflections of our unhealed internal wounds.
This is true for life in general, for society and culture on a grand scale, as well as the smaller scales of one on one relationships. The shit we see that bugs us, triggers us, makes us want to complain about the way things are, is a reflection of the wounding we are carrying around and projecting outward from ourselves. This holds true for intimacy issues in the postpartum as well.
So, obviously each relationship is unique as are we all as individuals, but just like all tigers have stripes, we all operate under certain universal behaviors or “laws” as humans.
One of which is that when we are wounded, we keep projecting that outward until we explore and heal that wound.
There are so many layers to the experiences we have after a baby comes into our lives. My friend Alex just last week wrote about how her and her husband’s sex life changed after their baby was born. “Everything about our life during those early newborn days felt primal, and the desire to have sex felt primal too. We had just experienced this wildly unexplainable experience together: birth. It truly does not get more primal than that. It was intense, and we didn’t have the words to unravel any of it, but our bodies did. Or at least, they were trying to.
But as the weeks settled, and newborn life became another intense and very tiring reality, so did our sexual desires, or at least mine did. After we received the green light from our doctor at six weeks to have sex again, my body shut down. I felt very similarly to how I did during pregnancy. I didn’t want to be sexually touched at all. A mere glance in my direction I would immediately cast away.”
If you’re not subscribed to her newsletter, ya should be. She writes about and for all of us, all the big and small things that are important in life :) https://onourmoon.substack.com/about
Anyway, as you can see, the purely physical aspects of sexuality change dramatically post-baby, even on a week to week basis.
On a hormonal level, you also probably will just need more TIME to get to a place where you feel juicy and alive “down there,” and ready for pleasurable penetration. #Newbornlife often takes a lot of time and anything else that you do often gets shuttled into the “how-quick-can-I-possibly-complete-this-task-before-the-baby-wakes” category.. but sex doesn’t usually work like that after you’ve had a baby.
Maybe you WANT to be able to have a quickie (and because of time constraints, you feel you NEED to), but your body just doesn’t respond the way it used to and by the time you’re actually feeling, like I said, juicy and ready, the baby wakes. Damn. Guess this is turning into a multi-part series.
Maybe you don’t have as much sex as you used to, but maybe the times you ARE able to connect physically are made sweeter and MORE intimate because of that.
My friend Nathan Riley commented on a recent post on the Indie Birth social network (which you should join if you like talking uncensored about birthy things! social.indiebirth.org) asking what advice should be given to someone expecting their first baby, saying “Our sex life would become richer after a baby…the kisses and touches lingering more…the time spent together more appreciated ❤️”..
Nathan is an OB/GYN who has a super interesting podcast called Beloved Holistics Radio www.belovedholisticsradio.com and a blog where he writes sometimes controversial (for a medical professional) essays.
Or maybe there’s just no spark at all and you wonder how the hell you conceived a child with this person when you could literally care less about having sex or even touching them now that the baby is here. Seriously. Sounds intense, right? It’s all within the realm of normal for after a baby.
One of my mentors Liana Shanti (www.lianashanti.com) talks about postpartum intimacy in a more esoteric way. She talks about how a couple could have an amazing connection, a great sex life .. then they have a baby. Once they have a baby, the male partner undergoes this crazy emotional process with a lot of big emotions and triggers coming up about his own mother.
His love for his mother or his aggravations with her, his wounding .. Now he sees his partner with “mother colored glasses” and does not view her as the same sexual being as he viewed her as before the baby.
This can affect their general relationship but also their intimacy, creating a rift that both people can feel but neither know exactly why it’s there.
A lot of mothers view themselves this way as well. Now that they’ve given birth and they have this baby, they are Mother with a capital M. There’s a black and white spectrum in our society and mother is on one side and sexual being is on the other. It can be challenging as a woman to hold both archetypes within one body. The brain doesn’t understand it as possible so our reality reflects that. We don’t desire sex and we resent our partners for even bringing it up. How could they ask us for intimacy when we’ve been so consumed in this role of Mother?!
When new parents are in this liminal space after the birth of their baby, not sleeping as much, not connecting intimately as much, the energy has shifted to now be focused almost exclusively on the baby and the mother.. both parties are more easily triggered.
The veil is still thin and the stuff we usually keep in our subconscious or the stuff that usually floats by without triggering anything, brings everything up to the surface. Why? Because these little beings are here to help us change and grow and deepen into ourselves and our relationships.
So how do we work through this time and come out on the other side, still engaged romantically with our partner? Examine each situation, explore whether or not it’s an external projection of an internal issue that needs to be worked on (it most likely IS), and then use each moment of feeling triggered or shame or guilt or whatever other big emotion comes up, in order to heal and clear and grow.
Heal your inner wounding. Expand more deeply into unconditional love in all realms, not just feeling that love toward your baby. Have compassion for yourself and your partner as you both work through this stuff that has been hidden and is deep, from childhood, from before your memories, from past lives ! Generational trauma processing and healing work is done in the postpartum, whether consciously or not.
This is another reason why support is crucial in the postpartum period, so we can all take the time and have the energy needed to focus on this stuff that comes up. Without having to worry about keeping up with the housework or the other kids or whatever.
BACK to the topic at hand.. intimacy after birth. A woman who is 3 months postpartum asked me how to not lose yourself after giving birth and while taking care of a needy infant. My response to her applies to feeling like you’ve lost the spark in your relationship too.
What I said to her was that this is a multilayered and complex situation in which our old selves are dying. Our old identities are dying off or shifting in pretty massive ways. Why does this feel so crazy and sad and shitty sometimes? Because of our ego.
Ego is an identity that is embedded into our psyche so deeply that when it has to shift or change or die it often feels deeply sad, depressing, or like we are losing an integral part of ourselves. And we are, in a way... but it’s making way for the new version of you, the upgrade, to take its place.
So as it relates to postpartum intimacy, when our old sex life or our old sexual identity or way of relating to our partner has to shift or die or morph in some way, sometimes it feels really massive! Like the world is ending. And it totally is! But a new one is being crafted amidst the rubble of the old one. Our new sexual identity and way of relating will take its place. And if both parties can be ok with and accepting of this transformation and the new version, however that looks, the whole process can proceed a bit more smoothly. :)
And to relate this whole conversation back to my initial point, everything that we go through in life broadly and in the postpartum specifically is for a reason. We signed up for alllll of it, when we decided to come back into this life on this planet at this time. What could the lessons or healings be that we are supposed to navigate? How can the shifts and adaptations that come after giving birth help prepare us for what is to come? How does your relationship with your partner need to deepen or evolve in order to best parent your child? Sex and intimacy are just a fraction of the spectrum of how we connect to and relate to each other. But the realm of sex and intimacy and how that is reflected in our reality can be a good mirror down to the deepest depths of our Selves. These depths could use some illumination every once in a while :)
And if you’re at a loss and searching for ways to possibly feel more connected to your partner in the postpartum (or any time!) as you examine your wounding and heal, I have some ideas for you below.
Put some mushy music on while the baby is asleep and grab your partner for a creative activity. Have some creative utensils ready, some colored pencils, markers, water color paints, etc .. On one sheet of paper, draw half of a heart. On a second sheet of paper, draw the other half of the heart. Each person in the partnership sits and creatively expresses on their own paper, their love for their partner. What are your vows to each other, why did you fall in love with each other, what do you always want the other person to remember about your partnership and about you? After each person is done (or maybe whenever the baby wakes up), you can put the two pieces of paper to form a whole heart. Post it on your altar or sacred space or frame it and keep it forever as a reminder of this special time and how you felt about each other, and your determination to remain connected even through the struggles. [I learned of this activity + the “naked time” below from my dear friend a sister midwife Valerie! Find her at https://www.sacredpostpartum.net]
Deep eye gazing - when the baby is asleep put some mushy music on, sit across from each other, and gaze into each other’s eyes for at least the length of one full song. Emotions may come up, tears may be shed, you may feel uncomfortable, especially if you have past trauma and have a hard time making eye contact on a regular daily basis. Afterward, talk about all of the feelings, thoughts, fears and emotions that came up for you as a couple and as individuals. Practice holding the space for each other with curiosity and asking questions instead of giving feedback or injecting your own thoughts while your partner is talking. Journal or write out any lingering thoughts or questions that you may want to explore more deeply at some point.
Naked time - When you’re hanging out, chatting, or at any point when you’re in bed (because if you didn’t know before, you should know now that after you have a baby you spend a lottt of time in bed), strip off all your clothes and ask your partner to do the same. Lay next to each other, you don’t have to touch unless it feels right.. and just carry on as you would normally but without any clothes on. Talk or don’t talk, but the time spent with each other without distractions or clothing between you will help you have intimate connection time even if it’s not sexual.
Connection with the divine mother - go outside together, find some grass or stone or some part of the earth that feels resonant for you to put your bare feet on or in. Hold hands, close your eyes, and imagine energy going from within your body down through your feet and into the earth, down deep into the center, where the energy of the divine mother exists in concentration. This is an energy of support, compassion, and unconditional love. The energy of your dream mother, perfect mothering, perfect love. Spend some time down there with her and then bring some of that energy back up through the earth and into your feet, up your legs and torso, and into your heart space. Infuse your heart with the energy of the divine mother, allow yourself to feel supported by her. When we are connected to the divine, and we rest in a knowing that we are always supported by her and wrapped in the energy and light of her love, we become less dependent on others (like our partner) to provide this perfect kinda love for us. We are more able to be ok with “what is” and allow the feeling of “everything is happening exactly as it should” into our daily experience. Presence. Support. Eternal Love.
The bottom line for me is that everything that comes up that doesn’t feel like it’s flowing easily is so we can examine it and heal. Or shift/pivot to a new way of being that is actually more in alignment with our greatest good.
When we break free from our wounding, our potential for connection - with ourselves, our partner, our children - is unlimited. A deeper connection is possible. Limitations only exist as long as wounds exist. :)
So, will intimacy change after a baby? Yes, most likely. Can you navigate that? Yes, you can! It might go smoothly but may present challenges and obstacles. Whatever it looks like, will be exactly how it is supposed to look and feel in order for you and your family to evolve towards your highest path - if you do the work :)
So tell me, what comes up for you as you read this? How does it land? Have you had issues with sex or intimacy after giving birth? How did you navigate that?
