Life update - surrendering to the flow

It’s amazing the sort of initiations that are required to evolve as a soul.

I don’t wish them on anyone aside from the fact that they are how we evolve as a collective … so … there’s that.

Within the span of one month:

🪶 I put a deposit down on my own place for the first time in FIFTEEN YEARS

🪶 My two regular clients moved out of town, canceling their sessions with me (my regular income source) (no hard feelings!)

🪶 I couldn’t convince anyone new to sign up to work with me, even with a deal they couldn’t refuse (btw, I LOVE receiving business advice from people because it helps me realize more and more that I have been doing everything “right” to grow my business the last two years - I’ve already tried everything anyone suggests.)

🪶 My friend offered me a loan to pay my first months’ rent, then changed her mind (no shame, I get it!)

🪶 My ex created a gofundme for me because he also can’t financially support me (at least not paying for two rents and two grocery bills, etc) and NOT ONE PERSON donated - not even my family (no shame, I get it)

🪶 I realized in sweat lodge that I would have to break my commitment to my rental and ask for my deposit back

🪶 My bank account reached $22.26 (still there)

🪶 I canceled my rental

🪶 My ex offered me an extra room in his new place

🪶 I spent 24 hours sitting with the reality of moving with my 3 kids by myself back to my mom’s

🪶 Felt very clearly that it’s not time for that for me

🪶 My other friend offered her place for us to live for free til November, then she texted that she changed her mind and couldn’t actually do that. (No shame, I get it!)

🪶 Decided to move in with my ex (I’m sure you can imagine the challenges of this for both him and me)

🪶 He decided he needed to think about it now that I was taking him up on it

🪶 Spent a day floating in the limbo of not knowing where I would land

🪶 He decided to let me live with him for real

🪶 Woke up the next day to a message from the woman who I was originally going to rent from, saying she wanted me to live there still, FOR FREE 🙏🏽😅  til November

🌀

I really felt like I was just flowing at the whim of the current of the universe there.. this way and that.

It reminded me somatically of when I almost drowned in the ocean. Just being pulled around.. the feeling of total surrender to life and nature and death.

I’m not being dramatic - it actually does feel like drowning in a lot of ways. And I am really in awe of my own capacity to feel that, honor it, and choose to be in bliss and joy most of the time still.

There are still moments of feeling disoriented, and moments of anxiety and overwhelm.

But at least I have a place to stay til November. :) How lucky am I in that?!

I don’t know what the point of all this is, yet.

I’m still applying to regular jobs every day.

Putting out content to try to create a frequency field online that draws people to me who are meant to work with me as a guide.

Raising 3 kids.

Keeping up with all the normal parts of life.

In general I feel pretty great 90% of the time.

I’m learning so much about myself.

I’m learning so much about conscious relating and conscious uncoupling and conscious parenting.

I guess that’s probably the point.

But I’m so curious about the financial piece.

Reflecting on the fact that I haven’t put a deposit on a place of my own in 15 years makes me remember how supported I’ve always been, and also how my channels of receiving income have not really been active for a long time, prior to the last 2 years of hustling.

Even when I was a midwife, it was through a gift economy model so people gave me whatever they wanted and some people not anything at all.

Someone asked me recently, in all seriousness, if I thought anyone had put a curse on me.

That’s potentially the only thing that makes sense to people who know me and know the journey I’ve been on, trying to create stable income for myself.

It doesn’t make sense.

But I don’t think it’s a curse … I mean, who knows.. but I do know I’m powerful enough to clear myself of such things and I have, regularly.

Sometimes things just don’t make sense. Now.

But they will. Someday.

And I am just flowing along. Doing what I can. Checking all the boxes. Not gripping too hard. Allowing life to wash over and through me.

I’m in the void.

And doing my best to balance surrender and aligned action here.

That’s all.

And eventually, just like when I almost drowned, I know life will spit me back out again… and I’ll climb my way back up on the urchin covered rocks, my chest heaving, the sweetness of air almost painful in my lungs, my eyes pouring salt water..

I’ll make my way back to stability.

Supported by the very same force that brought me to the edge of death in the first place.

I’ll remember even more cellularly, the beauty of life, of simple pleasures, of breath and financial abundance flowing in and out.

I guess that is the beauty of initiations.

They give us perspective and strength to navigate the next one and the next and the next with greater and greater levels of ease and self-comfort.

For those of you who are also struggling, I hope you know you are not alone. And I hope you feel seen and held, by yourself, your God/dess, and your community.

My prayer is for us all to lean closer in seasons of chaos and overwhelm (which is always happening for someone, somewhere in community), to feel the beauty of being seen in our most raw and tender places.

And to allow ourselves to surrender gracefully to the void, the current of the initiation, and to feel the power we have inside because of that act of surrender balanced with the act of will it takes to continue on in that space.

Blessings to all.

And so it is.