Birth Is A Woman's Work

“As a compromise, I will have a licensed midwife for this birth, and then for my next birth I will do whatever I really want.”

“I told my partner that I would rock my first birth in the hospital since he’s not comfortable with home birth the first time, then for the next one he will let me do a home birth.”

I can’t recall exactly how many times I’ve heard a woman say this when talking about her birth plans, but it is more than two handfuls at this point.

I’ve talked and written and recorded a podcast on this very topic before, but it seems like it’s time to revisit this subject. :)

Trusting a woman to make her own decisions about her pregnancy and birth experience. As a partner, as a care provider, as a family member or friend. Let’s talk about all of it.

What does it look and feel like to fully support a birthing woman to do whatever she feels is best for herself?

And why is that so important?

I guess I’ll start with some backstory too.

I have women who talk with me, who come to my classes, or sign up for a virtual session or just message me out of the blue, who are curious about working toward a certain birth experience for themselves. In my case, it’s usually a home birth, either as a free birth or with a midwife.

Sometimes these women’s partners or their family are just not on board, for whatever reason. Whether that’s fear, or because they’d have to pay out of pocket, or fear of responsibility should something go wrong.

This can either be a delicate discussion or not, haha, depending on the couple and the situation.

I think what it all boils down to is the fact that a partner will never know what is best for the woman giving birth and for their baby.

There, I said it. :)

While a woman is carrying a baby inside of her body, SHE and she alone is the one who is most capable of making decisions in her and the baby’s best interest, and most connected to the underlying reasons (whether she is conscious of those or not) WHY she is making the decisions she is, with regards to her pregnancy and birth.

And if you’re a partner reading this, I will just say one more thing that might ruffle some feathers, but intuition is a 100% valid reason for a woman to make a decision. Really.

She doesn’t need to do research, she doesn’t need to come up with statistics for YOUR benefit or peace of mind (that’s YOUR job), but she can just say, “This is what I want to do because it’s what I feel and know in my soul to be the best path for me and this baby,” and that is perfectly reasonable and should be highly valued.

Men or partners who are more in the masculine role (and actually even a lot of women these days, to be honest!) will base their decisions on statistics, data, what an “expert” or authority figure says, what they read online, what their buddies have told them, etc..

There’s nothing wrong with that at all. But that is not the way of the feminine.

Birth is pretty much the most female thing there is. The most feminine. Women become portals for life force energy to enter into this reality. We become carriers and bearers of new life. That is one of the main things we are here to do, biologically, physiologically. Let’s leave the decision-making process about what is best for her and her baby up to her and her intuition, and value the feminine in that way.

If a woman wants to birth in a certain way, in a certain setting, surrounded by certain people, or by no people at all, that is coming from her knowledge and her knowing, and that vision should come to fruition exactly how she wants it.

So, as a partner supporting a woman who is pregnant, how do you get to that place of trust? How do you get past the fear?

Well, I would suggest doing the things that I listed earlier that make most men feel comfortable. Do your research. Because I guarantee you that if you research the safety and statistics of home birth, for example, you will find a lot of peace of mind. If your partner wants to free birth, reach out to your circles and ask if anyone else had a free birth, or go online and seek out forums and such, where you can read stories of free birth from the partner’s perspective.

Also researching the physiology of birth, the hormonal interplay, what birth is really like in different birthing environments, and how all of that, the physiology, hormones, etc, can get thrown off track depending on where a woman gives birth and what kind of provider she has, and perhaps most importantly, depending on how she is FEELING as she gives birth.

There’s a lot of programming in our culture, that women need to explain themselves.

For any decision, not just about birth. We are supposed to prove it, if we really want something. There is also programming that men are supposed to be making all the decisions for the family, or that women need to be infantilized and taken care of like little kids.

There’s also the idea that the man is the protector of the family. This is kind of a biological thing, right? The man is the protector, and he is looking out for the well-being of the family. If a sabertooth tiger came into the cave back in the day, the men folk would be the ones who would protect the rest of the people, they would create this protective circle for their clan to exist within. Men are kind of programmed to try to protect against the worst case scenario. And that is where a lot of men come from with this fear of home birth or free birth,.

Let me just say, though, that home birth, or free birth, or even hospital or birthing center birth, if that is where the woman feels safest, is NOT the sabertooth tiger.

You’re more likely to AVOID the worst case scenarios when you hold the space for your pregnant partner to give birth where and with whom she feels the safest.

And you’re more likely to CAUSE the worst case scenarios when you interfere with that process by discouraging her to birth where and with whom she feels most comfortable.

Examining your programming might be helpful, and processing any of your own traumas that are causing you to react in fear, in order to fully support your partner in her birthing choices.

These are just suggestions and I’m sure as a partner you will find ways that are perfect for you, of boosting your confidence and your trust in your beautiful pregnant partner. :)

And, if you’re pregnant, how can you build confidence and trust in yourself to a level that makes your decision to give birth how, where, and with whoever you want unquestionable?

There are many possibilities, and it’s all so unique for each woman. But I think it boils down to trusting in yourself and removing any obstacles in front of that dedication to your truth and self-confidence that you may have as a woman.

We all have wounding, we all have traumas that lie in front of our divine birthrites of sovereignty and power. Not egoic power but an innate channeling and expression of the divinity from which we are all borne.

Whatever you see in your personal life that is challenging, like perhaps having to defend yourself and your choices in pregnancy, birth, mothering, life, any time you are in a situation where you’re not feeling fully aligned or supported, realize that this is a reflection of your inner world. Turn your gaze inward, examine where you might be doubting your SELF, where your inner wisdom isn’t feeling seen or heard, clear any blocks you may have inside which are not allowing you onto your highest path.

The universe gives us situations and energy so we can heal and grow. So these situations are here to support your growth on a soul level.

Once you are grounded and clear, you will have the confidence to birth however you want, no matter what is going on externally. And your partner will support you because they will feel that you are so connected to your truth that questioning you or challenging your decision would be pointless. Whether they realize this consciously or not.

And if I can give one piece of advice to most women alive at this time, it is: don’t fit yourself into someone else’s box. I don’t care if you’re married to the person, or they’re your parent, or your bestie, or your sister… Don’t delude yourself or deceive yourself by trying to align to someone else’s reality, fears, and/or desires. Because that means you’re not connected to your own true self.

You don’t need to fit into anyone else’s boxes in order to feel and receive love, or respect, or honor, or whatever else. No one else (most likely) in your life will love you unconditionally, but that doesn’t mean YOU can’t love yourSELF unconditionally by always choosing the path that is most aligned for YOU. And you can always have faith that the Universe, God, the Divine, your higher self, Gaia, whatever.. loves you unconditionally.

Don’t deceive yourself by occupying a space that isn’t fully aligned, or by acquiescing to anyone else’s ideas (especially a man’s.. yes I said it.. but I’m not a feminist in the pop culture definition of that word, so don’t put me in that box ;) ) about how your particular expression of self in birth should look.

Pregnancy, birth, and mothering are such an intuitive and instinctive period in life. If we allow it to be.

Especially in birth, we don’t want a woman trying to think her way through that process. Why would we want her to be doing so in pregnancy, either?

And for the record, I think both (all?) sexes should be able to live within this space, of not having to explain themselves. In partnerships we should strive for ultimate mutual love, acceptance, and trust of the other person. It goes both ways. Imagine what the world would look like if we all existed from within this space!

In this vein, if the male partner or the non-pregnant partner can come to the birthing woman with and in love, and share their concerns, not from a fear place, then I don’t see why we can’t communicate lovingly and honestly with each other about our concerns.

(One more tidbit that might ruffle some feathers: if your partner isn’t supportive of you birthing however you want and there is an ultimatum of “If you give birth the way I want, I will stay with you, but if you give birth the way you want, I will leave,” RUN the opposite direction, ok? Birth, a woman’s work, is a situation where it’s ok for the partner to compromise but it’s not really ok at all for the woman to compromise, in my experienced opinion.)

I’m not saying the non-pregnant partner doesn't have a say, I’m not taking that away from anyone :) I’m just saying we all have to examine our underlying shadow or trauma or conditioning if we’re going to be trying to encourage a woman to go against her true desires for her birth, or any other aspect of her life.

Know your partner, know whether they’re coming from a place of fear (ex: “oh my god, the baby will DIE if we give birth at home!”) and then know how to speak to those fears from a grounded and loving place.

I don’t think a lot of men or non-pregnant partners really think about the potential future AFTER the birth of their baby, when they are disagreeing with a woman or encouraging her to make a birth plan that isn’t fully aligned for her.

So, what will happen when a woman is in an environment that she isn’t fully choosing for herself, surrounded by people who she wouldn’t have chosen for herself, trying to relax and release a baby out of her womb?

Imagine a woman in a room full of strangers, in a building that gives her the heebie-jeebies, trying to have sex or experience an orgasm. Birth is a sexual event in a woman’s life. So where she can’t have sex comfortably, she usually can’t give birth comfortably.

Birth is not something a woman can just bootstrap her way through. She can’t just go into any old environment with any old person there, and muscle her way through regardless. That’s not how birth works. A woman can’t fake a birth like she could fake an orgasm, for example. :)

What will happen if she can’t do that? If her body doesn’t feel safe and it protects her and her baby by not releasing the baby in that “unsafe” environment, and then she has a cesarean birth or a forceps/vacuum delivery or she is given an episiotomy (aka her yoni is cut) or some other traumatic experience?

Will she blame her partner? Will her partner blame themself? Will both people be traumatized about having that experience or witnessing their beloved go through that experience?

As a partner, are you prepared to support a traumatized woman post-birth, as she tries to transition into motherhood? Are you prepared to possibly be traumatized yourself, after the birth of your baby, as you try to transition into parenthood? Because YOU need to feel safe by making a woman go against her true desires for her own birth?

And I haven’t even mentioned the effects on the baby, but of course that is major too. The baby might be traumatized, has a higher chance of being physically injured in certain birth environments, separated from their parents, poked/pricked/prodded, etc, etc..

Birth is one of the most pivotal and impactful experiences a woman will go through. It’s a psycho-spiritual-physical(sexual) event in a woman’s life (and a baby’s life, obviously). Why would a partner ever not trust that she knows how and where and with whom to give birth?

And if you’re reading all of this and thinking, “That won’t happen to US, though,” trust me, it is very likely. Not that I’m in fear mode myself, I just know how physiology works, and that a woman’s body is not able to release a baby when she doesn’t feel safe, supported, and in control of her own birthing situation.

I will just briefly talk about the financial aspect of birth, too, because it seems to be a major issue for some male partners when a woman talks about wanting to give birth outside of “the system” or with a provider who only accepts cash or who doesn’t accept insurance or who costs more money out of pocket for whatever reason.

My main takeaway on this is: Why would you ever let an institution, a business, like an insurance company, make life decisions for you? Do you ask your insurance company where you can get married or who can officiate your wedding? Do you ask your insurance company which car you should buy? No. You do what you actually want.

As humans, we need to start taking full responsibility for our lives and our health, and stop looking outside of ourselves for permission to do what is best for us and our families.

I’ll just leave it at that because this aspect of this conversation could be its own separate post. :)

So, in closing, just imagine a world where women just did whatever they felt was best and gave birth EVERY time in the way they felt most confident and comfortable!

Imagine all women removing all traumas and blockages that have been keeping them from truly accessing the power within themselves that is necessary in order to give birth wherever and however they want in confidence! Imagine all women feeling in their souls that they DESERVE to have what they want, in all aspects of life but especially in BIRTH!

And imagine a world where men or partners existing in the masculine removed all blockages THEY have from their groundedness and their confidence in themselves and their partners, and were able to hold the sacred space for women to do women’s work in the ways that are most aligned for the women!

First of all, I bet we would all have a lot more children haha :) Second of all, there would be a lot less issues with mental health, postpartum mood disorders, less poor physical health for women after birth (less cesareans! less prolapse! less vaginal tears!).

As a care provider who has seen women give birth in their power AND who has seen women give birth not in their power while lying on their backs in a hospital bed strapped to machines with people yelling at them to push and other people chatting about what they did the last weekend (hospital and birthing center staff, if you’re reading this, stop chatting about stupid stuff while women give birth in your facilities! If you’re in the room for a birth, I don’t care if it’s the 500th birth you’ve seen, respect the sacredness of what is happening in front of you and shut your mouth, please, for the love of women’s mental health I beg you :) ) I can tell you that the more women who give birth in their power, the better the world will be.

… and the BABIES!

You guys, the BABIES would be born in ways that are stress free, fear free, grounded, safe, protected, aligned, and would spend the first days, months, and years of their lives being cared for by parents who are not having to heal from trauma as they are also figuring out how to parent.

Babies aren’t separate people after birth, really. So what the parents are feeling and experiencing, the baby is feeling and experiencing as well. Plus, with breastfeeding, the baby is getting all the same hormones the mama is experiencing through the milk, too. We are all so connected still after birth, and that is why the birth and postpartum experience of the mother/parents really matters SO much.

We have the ability to change the future (and the present!) for the better, by changing the way we give birth.

And it starts by us all, as providers, as partners, as friends and family, supporting whatever a woman wants for herself. And it starts with us women clearing our traumas, healing our shadows, connecting with our light and our divinity and our power, and giving birth from within that space of power, responsibility, and light.